SuperOva does it again

Well, probably no one else is reading this anymore, which is fine by me, but if they are, they're going to learn some early news that isn't out of the bag yet. SuperOva is in the family way. Again. Only 4 weeks along so far, but am feeling hopefully that it's going to be successful, because, well, I feel like crap.

The morning sickness started pretty much on Monday, about four days ago, and it has hit like a hurricane this time. It starts from when I wake up in the morning and doesn't end until I fall asleep. Somehow, it feels much worse, much harder this time around, and not just because I have a toddler to care for when I'm at home.

I've been having dry heaves in the morning and horrifyingly, had to vomit in the work bathroom yesterday. It was godawful. I was trying to time it when no one was in there, but someone walked in in the middle--a coworker who sits right in front of me--and I pulled myself together but I don't know if she noticed, anyway. She asked if I was feeling OK, I suppose because my eyes were all teary and my face was red and splotchy.

I'm both hungry and not at all in the mood for food, all the time. At this point, I can pretty much only tolerate starches: Bread, rice, cereal, oatmeal, crackers. The thought and sight (and particularly, the smell!) of vegetables is awful. Same goes for fruit. Anything I used to like, really.

Subway rides are a nightmare. When they're crowded, I feel claustrophobic, trapped, nauseous, overheated, short of breath. Today I almost trampled some people trying to get to a seat that was about to be vacated. It has to be vigilant, trying to find a seat, or else I lose. I'm close to asking people to give up their seat, but not there yet. Today I vacillated between passing out and vomiting. I had to try to do ujai breathing, and visualize feeling good. It was very difficult.

Smells on the streets are horrible, too: Cigarette smoke, men's cologne, sweet & sour Chinese sauce from midtown NYC delis, street meat carts, car exhaust. I haven't been able to walk/exercise at all this week, because I've been too busy at work, and that sucks too.

I'm very happy that we conceived--the first time we tried, this cycle! And at home, to boot!--but dzang, so far, trimester one has been ROUGH riding. I'm trying really hard to remain positive, and thankful that we conceived again, something I know so many couples are struggling with. Perhaps even harder than the physical nausea and fatigue (how do working women do it???) is the emotional isolation I feel. Ingrid (and my mom and our tenant) are the only ones who know at this point (and you, if you're reading this), and I'm still trying to keep it under wraps because it's only been a month, and who knows what could happen, and I'm not ready for it to take over the subject of all of my dialogue just yet. But because no one really besides Ingrid knows, and Ingrid often isn't available to talk during the day, I feel like I'm bearing the secret of feeling awful, and why, all alone. I think I have to tell someone soon.