Lactation Consultant

At work, one of our magazines is Lamaze, a custom magazine for the natural childbirth organization. The Rodale contact is also a lactation consultant who volunteers with La Leche League (who I did call, and never called me back, incidentally.) My coworker Jen told me that. I've been seeing a great decrease in my milk supply, so I decided to call Allison. She was the mommy figure/earth mother I'd always wanted (no offense, Mom).

"The thing about fenugreek," Allison said, "Is that you have to take a lot of it. Get the tincture. The tea hardly has any in it."

And the Guinness? "It makes me mad when people say to drink Guinness. We don't want to suggest to someone who doesn't even drink to drink Guinness. There are other things you can do. That said, if you already enjoy drinking beer, go for it."

Then Allison asked, "How far do you live from work? Is it realistic for the nanny to bring Clyde to your office to nurse?"

"Uh, no."

Then she told me she was worried maybe Clyde was eating too much, too fast, from the bottle, and that we should cut back on feedings. (She doesn't know Clare, and how bossy she is, and how Clyde screams when she doesn't get enough food. Even with me.) But she suggested looking at this website, Dr. Jack Newman's, and to look up "Upright Paced Bottle Feeding," which shows alternate feeding methods so that babies don't eat as much, as fast.

Then Allison asked me about my pumping habits (twice a day at work, once at night). Then she asked me if I'd had any dietary changes. She suggested I get my thyroid checked, as this can cause a supply decrease (NB: I did ask our ped about this, and she said side effects of hypothyroidism are also weight gain, dry skin, and low energy. I said, 'that's not me.')

Then about my equipment: the pump. I told her I used a Medela Pump In Style.

"Is it a hand-me-down, Liz?"

"Sure," I said cheerfully.

"My love," she started. (I sort of wanted to crawl back into the womb then. Her womb. Anytime someone starts a sentence with "my love," I find it akin to someone making me a warm glass of milk before bedtime. And, by warm glass of milk, I mean, a Scotch.) "My love. Please don't tell me you got that pump from your friend who had three kids go through it."

"Sure," I said, less cheerfully. "Yep, three kids." (I only remembered yesterday that Sue actually pumped for her three kids on that machine, but also then loaned it to a friend who used it for her pumping. So FOUR kids so far, plus Clyde.)

"They conk out," Allison said, referring to the pumps, not the kids. "The first thing you need to do is get a new pump. We recommend the new Medela Double Electric Pump In Style, or the Ameda Pump In Style."

I said, "Another $250!!! I hate getting new stuff."

"It might really make a difference, and think of the money you'll save on formula," she said.

She didn't know that I'm really cheap, hate buying new stuff, and was feeling particularly satisfied that I'd gotten through six months of new baby life without buying a breast pump. In fact I've inherited two.

"That's your first order of business," Allison said. She also suggested I start pumping both breasts at the same time, and that that would make a big difference.

Then she got to the psychological part: Pumping porn.

"Do you have any pictures of Clyde, or video, or could you tape record her voice? Thinking about her while you pump will get you in the mood." I had to try not to laugh, as this reminded me of that scene in Little Children where Kate Winslet's husband, addicted to the Slutty Kay website, jerks off to pictures of this woman with great big tits, whilst smelling her worn thong underwear that he has ordered in the mail.

I do have pics. And video. And I could even bring in one of her stuffed animals!

The last thing, Allison said, is to have a lactaction weekend. Kind of a romantic getaway, but with your baby. Stay in bed and nurse all weekend, she said. "That I can TRY to do." It sounded like a nice idea, in fact. But when would we have time to go to Fairway?